Monday, September 04, 2006

I Live Amongst Strange People

My family is very tight-knit. We gather three times a week for lunch, and they put you through hell if you don't show up.
They are very... Colorful people.
I do love them. I really do.
I just have no fucking clue why.

They can be pushy. And insensitive. And hurtful. And sometimes, they take you for granted.


"Ubergirl, you've gained weight."
"No, I haven't."
"What do you mean you havent!? Am I imagining the weight you've gained!?"
"Am I imagining that the number on the scale hasn't changed for the past 6 months?"
"Yes."
"How convenient."



"UBERGIRL! WHY ARE YOU STANDING!? WE DO NOT EAT STANDING UP IN THIS HOUSE! YOU WILL SIT DOWN THIS INSTANT. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME!!!"
I sit. But not at the table. On a couch. Because my family has not yet noticed that its members have doubled in number during the past three years, and the table we sit at has not grown, nor have they provided extra seating.
And I'll be damned if I sit at the children's table.



While I am watching a good show on TV:
"Where the hell is my KitKat!? Uber did you eat my KitKat!?"
"I didn't touch your god damn KitKat. Leave me alone."
"Then where the hell is it!?"
"Hold on, let me use my KitKat Tracking powers... Hummm..... HOW THE HELL WOULD I KNOW WHERE YOUR KITKAT IS!? YA ALLAH!"
"Fine. You don't have to shout."
To get you to shut up yes I fucking do, evidently!



"Can I borrow that white shirt you wore last week?" I ask my sister.
Someone laughs.
"It wouldn't fit you!"
I don't say anything. Because it does fit.
And the only thing I can think of to say is very very mean.



After almost breaking my back helping someone move some ridiculously large vases from one part of the house to another, I get fucking shouted at because one of the 38947039 kids left their shoe somewhere and someone almost tripped over it.
I so should have ignored the blinding pain in my back, ignored that I wanted to get this over and done with, ignored the fact that I and my sister were the only people made to 'help' with this chore, and looked out for things that would potentially trip people up, and lifted them off the floor. I'm such a jackass.



"Ubergirl, what on earth are you wearing."
"Uhh... Sweatpants?"
"Those are GYM clothes!"
"They're comfortable."
"Huh!"
"Whaat? I always wear these when I come here."
"Ofcourse you do! That's why you always look... Disheveled!"
"Yeah. On purpose. Grunge is making a comeback, you know."
"Allah Yihdeeki bass." (May God.. Something. I don't know, lol.)



"Ubergirl, would you go ask so and so to do this and that and the other thing?"
"Ubergirl, please run upstairs and get me my glasses? Not the frameless ones!"
"UBER! Where have you been? I want your opinion on so and so."
"Uber, that's a very... Err.. Interesting outfit you're wearing.."
All at the exact same time.
Can you imagine.
All at once. And they don't hear eachother. In their little lala land, they're the only one who is asking me to do something or expecting me to give them an answer. I cannot at all give four people the same ammount of concentratin at the same time. So what I end up doing is making some lame joke out of it: "Boy, am I on demand!" Or, "I'm glad to see no one hates me anymore."
No one ever gets it.



A conversation with my father while I'm watching Prison Break:
"How very beneficial for Fox that everyone in this prison is good-looking."
"It's just these two that are. Not the whole prison, Baba."
Three minutes later:
"Tattoos? What- No one's suspicious? Are you actually buying this?"
"Yes, thank you. Now will you quit poking holes in the plot? Please Baba! I'm enjoing this."
He looks disappointed.



And the classic:
"Ubergirl did this and that." (Yes, they know I'm in the room.)
"Yes, only because-"
"Whaaat?!"
"You cannot be serious! What do you think, uber'smom?"
"I've given up. It's a lost cause."
"Will you just let me explain! I-"
"That girl is crazy, I tell you. Crazy."
They only stop talking about me when I leave the room. I am convinced it's a prank. They probably laugh for hours once I'm gone.


That was absolutely nothing, by the way. I have witnessed much, much worse done to other members. I live amongst strange people.


"The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to. " -Dodie Smith.

ubergirl

22 comments:

!n$@n!tY said...

LOL...and once again LOLLOLOL

Mona said...

why oh why didnt u mention zuhair murad..or the drama queens? :P

Nuri said...

I loved this post. I guess it was not your intention, but it does make me wish we had an extended family!

Madhatter said...

I can identify with u, but with all of that u still love em, and miss em when they not around. Eish nothin better than da Familia

BaSSeM said...

that was one funny post :P i laughed while reading it! surely enough it's not that amusing for u but oh well..
everyone has their strange family i guess!

ren_crow said...

Aaah yes the one and only dysfunctional family. Ya just gotta love em.

Haha yea I get comments like that from my mom too when I'm watching Prison Break.

Bruco said...

This post is priceless!
I mean that.
:-)))

Bananahamic said...

I guess a little hart attack just passed by while reading this post.

Anonymous said...

your family rocks, they're crazy

Anonymous said...

Your family sounds like one out of a book I read awhile back. The Narcissistic Family By Stephanie Donaldson Pressman.

Beth's story. My family was always there doing the usual family stuff. I had a lot of time in the house with them they were...there. But I remember feeling like I couldn't get close enough to them. It's hard to describe. Like they were there and they cared but not really....I remember telling them this big thing about my best friend humiliating me in the school cafeteria in front of everyone and they'd nod and make all the right noises but it was like they were putting in their time doing the family thing in the family book...because as soon as I was finished they'd start talking about themselves or what happened to them like I'd never said my stuff at all!...and this wasn't one time it was ALL the time!...I worshipped them I guess I still do...I know they loved me but it was like trying to grab smoke you see it but you can't get it into your hand. I still feel that way.

Beth's story is not one of overt or dramatic abuse. It is about the profound emotional neglect of the family. Beth sensed that her families focus was not on Beth and she was right. It was on the relationship with themselves. Beth's family really wanted Beth to pay attention to them and to meet their needs.

Abu Sinan said...

Family, you have got to love them, because there are too many to kill! LOL!

Next time someone accuses you of taking their food ask them if they would like you to give it back, but as you already ate it, they will have to take it from the other end.

As to Prison Break, I was at my mother in laws house the other day and we were watching it. More for the benefit of my sister in law because my mother in law doesnt speak English, only Arabic.

My mother in law turns to me after watching some of it and says to me in Arabic "you look like the big guy, but you have the little guy's tattoos."

And all of these years I thought she had no clue about how many tattoos I really have. All of those long sleeve shirts in 100 degrees whether and she still knows.

Ah well, the good thing I guess is that when you get older you get the right to torture the young ones in your clan.

Trevelyana said...

LO-Fuckin-L.

Hilarious.

Cold said...

Aren't all families like that?!?!

beejay™ said...

LOL! the kitkat thingy cracked me up i was laughing out loud "lol-ing" in my room like a lunatic!
ur family rocks! invite me over plz! lol!

im trying to think of something to email u about! lol

clò said...

i's like i kinda look in a mirror..
thanks, you made me smile in a very bad moment!:)

SunShine said...

Are we related?
LOL. Nice post!

Anonymous said...

Looks like families are the same the world over....like mine! ;) sis from the usa

Nourah said...

families suck

dont u sometimes get the feeling that u wanna live alone or move into a dromitory?

Cold said...

Nourah:
I know that i'm too young to move out but I feel that way everyday

Sabra said...

That was priceless! Just priceless... Am thinking you're perfect for the next MasterCard commercial - with just a few of your family scenes:

Cost of table $400.00
Vase collection $9,000.00
Sweatpants $20.00
Time with family: Priceless

Don't feel alone. Lots of us have family we love to death but don't understand...

Anonymous said...

You think your family's bad...wait until you get in-laws!! :D sis from the usa

mido said...

LOL nice post

family's are the same everywhere.